The Protomen’s Top Ten Reasons Not To Have More Than 5 People In Your Rock And Roll Band

We’ve made it to Grand Rapids. Just 3 more shows. It turns out it doesn’t take many days of riding around in a RV with this many people to realize Roy Scheider was right… We’re gonna need a bigger boat, and by that I mean we’re being chased by a really big shark. I guess we’ll make it through somehow. In the meantime here’s the…


Top Ten reasons Not To Have More Than 5 People In Your Rock And Roll Band

10. With 8 people, “you guys can crash at my place” is a death sentence for your place.

9. A band with less than 5 people could actually fit in their practice space.

8. Have you ever seen a bathroom after 8 grown-ass adults wash off a shitload of silver and black face paint?

(Right?…Don’t all bands wear face paint on stage?)

7. A “quick pit stop” at a gas station will take you no less than an hour and a half.

6. Trying to decide where to eat after a 2am loadout is an absolute nightmare with that many people.

5. That many assholes on an RV can’t smell good.

For every asshole you add to an RV over 1, the smell grows logarithmically.

4. You’ll never make any money playing rock and roll… splitting 8 dollars with 8 people means everyone gets a dollar.

3. Scheduling things with 8 people is like herding feral cats in a shit tornado.

2. Seriously… one dollar is a lot less dollars than 8.

I mean, come on…8 dollars wasn’t a whole lot of dollars in the first place. And why are we playing shows for 8 dollars in the first place?! We need a manager…

1. Group texts.

Have you ever looked down at your phone after only 2 minutes and now there’s 93 unread texts? We have. Every single day. So, having less people means less texts… unless your band consists of 13 year olds.

The Protomen are wrapping up their “This City Made Us” tour. They hit Grand Rapids tonight. Catch em at one of the remaining dates:

Apr 28- Grand Rapids, MI @ Pyramid Scheme
Apr 29 – Indianapolis, IN @ Emerson Theater
Apr 30 – Chicago, IL @ Reggies Live

Written by

Max is managing editor of Gear Gods.

Latest comments
  • #5, did you mean exponentially? log(10)=1, log(100)=2, log(1000)=3; a tenfold increase in butts adds one unit of smell

    • #-1: More people mean simple math mistakes may not happen.
      I’m too used to base 2 which makes a little more sense here but still not a lot unless units of smell are exponentially worse which returns to the why isn’t it just exponential!

      • Exactly. The more people in the band, the better the chances of having a mathmagician to correct the non-mathmagicians.

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