Metal: it’s all about the music. That is until retirement looms and it’s time to diversify those income streams. Yeah, we know, income streams are not the kind of thing you thought you’d ever read about on this site but the fact is that some of the most famous metal bands are actually quite business savvy. And while some might seem a little odd, no one would begrudge these guys the chance to cash in on their popularity.
The cologne from Kiss
So let’s start off with a real humdinger. This is the single most cringe-worthy piece of tacky product licensing the world has ever seen. The cologne is named Kiss Him.
We have nothing more to say about this, and we’re not even going to mention the Kiss Kasket. We just did, though, didn’t we?
Iron Maiden’s beer
Probably everyone’s first real dip into the metal genre, Iron Maiden are one of those bands that we all love. They’re wild, their music is wild, and Eddie is wild. So it comes as no real surprise that they have their own beer aptly named Trooper.
Seriously, can this band get any better? The answer is of course not because they are already the Gods of metal.
The Motorhead slot game
Motorhead are one of those bands that have had hundreds of products both legal and pirated that have made use of their fabled moniker in some shape or form, but perhaps the most surprising is a slot game from Pokerstars.
Fancy winning a bit of money with Lemmy? Then Motorhead have you covered with their very own video slot machine themed on The Ace of Spades.
Gwar’s barbecue sauce
The strange thing about Gwar is that there is literally nothing they can do that will top their on-stage antics. But a barbecue sauce? This is a little too close to suburban family happiness for them.
Having said that, whoever came up with the name is a genius. Gwar-B-Q Sauce. Brilliant.
Alice Cooper’s Eyeliner
The master of stage makeup decided at some point that his legions of fans needed a high-quality unisex eyeliner product that they could buy without fear of being shamed by their friends.
Yeah, we’re not quite sure how that worked out as it would be way easier to buy an eyeliner pencil from the local drugstore. It didn’t really take off, and if you find a bottle now it’s worth a fortune.
The Mastodon Bikini
It’s strange to see metal bands using their names on middle-of-the-road merchandise but to see a band butchering their own name is unforgivable. Mastodon’s bikini is one of those “words across your butt” things that rather cleverly says “Asstodon.”
Okay, so it’s not really that clever, and we’re at pains to figure out just who thought this particular item would be a hot seller.
Honorable mentions go to Slayer for their Christmas sweaters, Rammstein for that box set from pluglust.com that included 12 dildos and a set of handcuffs, and the Tenacious D cum rag (we’re just reporting what we find here).