Stone Picks Are so Last Week, Make Room for Titanium Picks

In the competitive, high-demand world of thick-ass picks that will wreck the fuck out of your finish, it’s tough to stay ahead of the innovation curve. You have to come up with newer, exciting ways to tear your instrument apart. It’s a good thing that Wilford Brimley lost some weight and decided to make these titanium picks. I was afraid that the stone ones I found last weak might not effectively hack through my lowest strings in this bold new 8-string world.

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Mr. Brimley seems a little timid about his product’s sellability. Come on buddy, you don’t have to keep stressing how these picks are better as jewelry than instrument accessories. However, where I do have to criticize your marketing decisions is your choice in designs. Here are the 6 “rock” picks:

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Seems pretty standard, right? Skulls and iron crosses and fire and other metal shit like Harry Potter’s tattoo or whatever. Cool. But here’s the “jazz” set:

  titanium-picks_jazz

Seriously? For the “jazz” picks you remove the heart and cross but keep the skull? What the hell man? But fine, I guess these are “metal” picks and you need to cater to the metal crowd. Since you have Mr. “Diabeetus” himself shilling your product, may I recommend your first endorsement deal?

wilford-brimley_dying-fetus

 

 

 

Written by

Chris Alfano has written about music and toured in bands since print magazines and mp3.com were popular. Once in high-school he hacked a friend's QBasic stick figure fighting game to add a chiptune metal soundtrack. Random attractive people still give him high-fives about that.