Welcome to Australia Week! You may be wondering why we’d do a theme week on Australia, of all places. We’ve chosen to highlight the under-appreciated Down Under because, as we’ve noticed, it is in fact metal as fuck. Also, there’s a lot of great music coming out of there that you need to hear.
So here’s the Top 5 Reasons Why Australia is Metal as Fuck:
1. Terrifying Creatures
The people I’ve met who are from this continent are all extremely nice – but the animal life there all wants to kill you. Just when you think you know what sort of animal should be eating another, you see a dingo eating a shark, a snake swallowing an entire fucking crocodile, and a centipede killing a snake. A giant, poisonous centipede. If I lived there I would never, ever go outside.
Didn’t think he could get the whole thing down, did you? Just strangle the croc to death, unhinge your jaw, exercise a bit of patience, and Bob’s your uncle.
You think you’re safe living in the suburbs of Oz, far away from these dangerous beasts? Think again. Even the suburbs are rife with roving gangs of violent kangaroos, intent on punching anything and everything.
Oh, here’s a spider so big it’s eating a BIRD. NBD.
How could any Aussie ever leave their home when outside is this nightmarish landscape? No wonder these guys stay inside and practice their instruments all day.
2. A Dingo Ate Her Baby
Despite the world thinking her a murderer, and a subsequent conviction (which was overturned after 4 years due to new evidence) and media frenzy, it was recently ruled by a coroner that a frisky dingo really did eat Lindy Chamberlain-Creighton’s dang baby. More on that from CNN.
3. Their Athletes Don’t Wear Pads
As an American, watching Australia Rules Football for the first time is a magical experience. What you’re witnessing appears to be an absolute clusterfuck of bizarro world American football, soccer, and acrobatics, and these maniacs wear NO DAMN PADDING AT ALL. Not so much as elbow pads. And while it’s not quite as physical as American football, the following video shows that that doesn’t mean shit:
4. Even The Animals Party Hard
It’s good to know that the effects of alcohol are similar across all intelligent lifeforms. Last year a pig at a campground in Port Hedland (seriously? People go camping on this continent? Like, outside? Aussies are fucking crazy) stole some beer from campers, downed the lot of it, then went on a drunken rampage that put Municipal Waste to shame, going for a late night swim, and barreling through garbage bins and harassing campers before starting a fight with a cow that was likely just minding its own business.
Full story here.
5. Goddamn Motherfucking Fire Tornado
It’s christing exactly what the fuck it sounds like. Sweet merciful God in cunting heaven this shit is a real occurrence. Dick me right in the shitballs of the universe, that is insane.
Punch a nun right in the baby bakery because you just saw a tornado made of fire.
Thanks to Ro from i built the sky for his consulting on this and all matters Australian.