The Return of the Ultimate Metal Cruise

The past couple years have been ROUGH. For everyone, on every level, rough. The metal concert industry was no exception. Amid the wash of event cancellations and postponements, one event simply never got announced – my very favorite thing on the planet, the inimitable 70,000 Tons of Metal.


When I say that this is the most fun a metalhead can have, I’m not exaggerating in the slightest. I experienced one of the greatest moments of my life on this cruise – I sat in a hot tub, sidestage, watching Arch Enemy, and sipping on a Ben + Jerry’s chocolate milkshake. COME ON. Could it possibly get better than that?

Watching pasty metalheads who don’t otherwise leave their basements except to go to dark shows at night flop around at the beach really tickles me, especially since I’m one of them. But that’s not the real draw –

It’s floating metal festival with 60 bands, 120 performances (each band plays twice), over 4 days, with a stop at a tropical beach paradise.

And now – it’s BACK!

After a painfully long wait, the cruise has been announced for January 30th-February 3rd 2023, and although the lineup is slowly being drip-fed to us, it’s already an EASY sell for me – Nightwish, Fallujah, Abysmal Dawn, Kamelot, Rotting Christ – and it’s just gonna get better. This year, the boat stops in Bimini, the Bahamas, where you can get burnt on a gorgeous beach while sipping a drink with an umbrella in it and blasting metal tunes.

There are only 3000 tickets (which include access to ALL shows, meet & greets with every band and all other special events on board (All Star Jam, musician clinics, exclusive premieres, karaoke, etc.) and they always sell out quick, so if you want to get on this floating metal heaven, you’re gonna wanna head to faster than a blastbeat and book your room now!

Also, I’LL be there, so if you get on, come say hi!

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As Editor-in-Chief of Gear Gods, I've been feeding your sick instrument fetishism and trying unsuccessfully to hide my own since 2013. I studied music on both coasts (Berklee and SSU) and now I'm just trying to put my degree to some use. That's a music degree, not an English one. I'm sure you noticed.

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