Really, Donny? Again? You know, you’re not 23 anymore, this shit is starting to get old. You’re a 45-year-old man with scoliosis, and you barely have enough money to pay rent (which we split 70/30) but you’re still buying new amps because none of them is “loud enough” for you, and paying to record your shitty songs at expensive studios.

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You told me you were going out to the strip club, but I know that’s a lie – I saw you grab that stupid green guitar when you thought I wasn’t looking. You’re not that sneaky, you know. I know you’re going down to the studio again. Do they even still let you in there after you didn’t pay them? Mud Sound studio must have more patience than I do, because I swear to CHRIST if you come back with another fucking amplifier you are sleeping on the street.

This is your last chance. I’ve been your girlfriend for 5 years now, and I’ve supported your music dream, but I’m starting to think you’re not the rock star I thought you would become, and never will be. I swooned when I saw your band, The Rusty Nuggets, open for Trapt at the Sit-n-Spin in Newark, and I thought you had what it takes for greatness.

Now it’s time for me to accept that I’m a middle-aged waitress whose live-in boyfriend wasted his chance at greatness because no band will take him ever since he PUNCHED A SOUND GUY FOR TELLING HIM TO TURN DOWN HIS AMP. And it’s time for you, Donny, to accept that you’re not a musician – you’re just an over-the-hill loud asshole with a guitar.

Sincerely,

Susannah

PS – I saw this thing that will let you turn up your amp as loud as you want but I won’t have to listen to it, it’s called the Boss Waza Tube Amp Expander so buy one and wreck your own ears from now on you son of a bitch.

Written by

As Editor-in-Chief of Gear Gods, I've been feeding your sick instrument fetishism and trying unsuccessfully to hide my own since 2013. I studied music on both coasts (Berklee and SSU) and now I'm just trying to put my degree to some use. That's a music degree, not an English one. I'm sure you noticed.

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