Really, Donny? Again? You know, you’re not 23 anymore, this shit is starting to get old. You’re a 45-year-old man with scoliosis, and you barely have enough money to pay rent (which we split 70/30) but you’re still buying new amps because none of them is “loud enough” for you, and paying to record your shitty songs at expensive studios.

You told me you were going out to the strip club, but I know that’s a lie – I saw you grab that stupid green guitar when you thought I wasn’t looking. You’re not that sneaky, you know. I know you’re going down to the studio again. Do they even still let you in there after you didn’t pay them? Mud Sound studio must have more patience than I do, because I swear to CHRIST if you come back with another fucking amplifier you are sleeping on the street.

This is your last chance. I’ve been your girlfriend for 5 years now, and I’ve supported your music dream, but I’m starting to think you’re not the rock star I thought you would become, and never will be. I swooned when I saw your band, The Rusty Nuggets, open for Trapt at the Sit-n-Spin in Newark, and I thought you had what it takes for greatness.

Now it’s time for me to accept that I’m a middle-aged waitress whose live-in boyfriend wasted his chance at greatness because no band will take him ever since he PUNCHED A SOUND GUY FOR TELLING HIM TO TURN DOWN HIS AMP. And it’s time for you, Donny, to accept that you’re not a musician – you’re just an over-the-hill loud asshole with a guitar.

Sincerely,

Susannah

PS – I saw this thing that will let you turn up your amp as loud as you want but I won’t have to listen to it, it’s called the Boss Waza Tube Amp Expander so buy one and wreck your own ears from now on you son of a bitch.

Written by

As Editor-in-Chief of Gear Gods, I've been feeding your sick instrument fetishism and trying unsuccessfully to hide my own since 2013. I studied music on both coasts (Berklee and SSU) and now I'm just trying to put my degree to some use. That's a music degree, not an English one. I'm sure you noticed.