Now, clearly all the headlines we’re seeing today are just some quote taken out of context, and I’m sure we’ll soon (if we haven’t already) see some kind of retraction/explanation/contextualization that shows that Tom Araya isn’t leaving Slayer any time soon. But until then, we’re gonna have some fun with it and list off

Five People We’d Like To See Front SLAYER

5. Jim Carrey

I don’t know if Jim plays bass, but after his performance imitating Napalm Death on the Arsenio Hall show, I’d pay good money to see him take over for Tom. Just do yourself a favor and take a second to imagine it. Plus, with Tom’s back problems, he’s not able to be active on stage as he has been in past years, but Jim Carrey is an absolute physical madman, so yeah, I want to see that happen.

4. Tori Amos

This would be a VERY different Slayer, to be sure. But hey, she could hold down those basslines on her piano, and she clearly likes the band as she demonstrates in this cover of Raining Blood.

3. Marco Hietala (Nightwish, Tarot)

Marco is an incredibly powerful vocalist, and he may be very, very overqualified, but he plays bass and sings metal, and as we can see from this video of Nightwish covering Megadeth’s “Symphony of Destruction”, he can do thrash.

2. David Sanchez (Havok)

David Sanchez not only eats, breathes, and shits thrash, he even looks the part a bit. I’m sure he’d be willing to switch to bass for the gig.

1. Jeff Walker (Carcass)

Jeff Walker is the consummate metal bass playing frontman. He doesn’t seem like he’s got anything in particular going on at the moment anyway, since it’s been 4 years since Surgical Steel. 

That’s our dumb list – what’s yours?