I Can’t Decide If Drum Pants Are the Dumbest or Most Brilliant Idea

I’m a habitual hand drummer. I’ve done it at weddings, waiting for interviews to start, at doctors’ appointments, pretty much anywhere. But I don’t know man, now that my dreams are being actualized I may not be able to handle it.

Someone invented Drum Pants. They went and did it, god help us all. These farcical, magical flabtraptions are not, in actuality, pants. Instead they’re strips of sensors that can be worn under pants… or over them… or in a jacket. But I suppose Drum Random Clothing Accessory didn’t have the same marketing zest.

It seems like these… the hell with it, pants, were designed mainly so your drummer can annoy the shit out of you in the tour van by hooking his pants up to the car stereo. Or for your guitarist to annoy the shit out of your drummer by also playing through the stereo, but with an even more questionable tempo.

But where would I personally like to use Drum Pants? The john, which already provides the best Vinnie Paul clicky kick drum with its cold tile floor. Just set up a big gated verb snare with this thing and you’ll be far beyond shitting.

…I just lost half of our readership, didn’t I? Anyway, there’s a Drum Pants Kickstarter for those of you who think the world is a better place with percussive pants.

Written by

Chris Alfano has written about music and toured in bands since print magazines and mp3.com were popular. Once in high-school he hacked a friend's QBasic stick figure fighting game to add a chiptune metal soundtrack. Random attractive people still give him high-fives about that.